The quiet identity shift for men at 40

We hear a lot about the challenges women around 40 face in their careers - and rightly so. But what about the mid-career men?

Jacob*, a coaching client, brought into focus something I've seen many times: the quiet identity shift that many men experience in their 40s.

He described how, for years, his identity had been wrapped up in work - in being dependable, driven, the one who kept everything ticking along.

But somewhere along the way, the spark had faded.

For many mid-career men, the job that once felt like a source of pride and energy starts to feel like a drain.

You’re still showing up. Still delivering. But it doesn’t light you up like it used to.

And yet, stepping back, or even reassessing, can feel incredibly difficult.

Because what’s really shifting isn’t just your career - it’s how you see yourself.

Underneath that discomfort is a swirl of emotions that often don’t get spoken about:

• Guilt – for wanting something different.

• Shame – for feeling stuck when you “should” feel lucky.

• Fear – of what happens if you let go of what you’ve always known.

• Doubt – about whether you’re even allowed to want more.

• Confusion – about what comes next if this isn’t it.

A question I hear from men time and again is:

“If I’m not defined by my job anymore, then who am I?”

This shift can be especially sharp if your partner is stepping back into their career after years focused on family life.

You want to support them - and you do - but there’s still a voice in the background wondering: What does this mean for me now?

Jacob put it this way:

“There’s still a societal feeling that I should have it all figured out by now and be bringing in a decent salary. It may be unconscious but it’s still there. I feel like I should know who I am and what I do. But I don't.”

Fatherhood changes how work fits into your life

Having kids is a huge shift for men too - not just at home but in how they view their work and identity.

The role that once defined them begins to loosen its grip. Priorities, energies and values shift. And when your values shift, your work needs to shift too.

As Jacob told me:

“My job isn’t the most important thing anymore. It’s not the thing I flex my time and diary for. It absolutely changes priorities.”

It’s not just about career. It’s about identity. And the impact this has on men is real but rarely acknowledged.

A small but powerful first step

This can all feel disorienting but you don’t have to have all the answers straight away.

The first step is simple: start getting clear on what you actually need from work now, in your 40s. 

Not what used to matter, or what you think “should” matter, but what truly matters to who you are now.

That’s exactly why I created a Career Clarity Quiz.

It’s free, it takes 10 minutes and helps you uncover your top 1-3 career must-haves.

Because when you know what matters most, it becomes much easier to find your way forward.

Let this quiz be your starting point.

Get clarity now

*Not his real name